Evolution

The Reclaimed, this month, turns 6 months old. I figured for today, would be a good time for a bit of introspection.

I was flipping through some pics recently and I realized that I have changed. A lot. It's like I look the same, but I'm so not the same. 

Let me share:

Early life me. Look at the swagger on that sailor suit as I pick flowers. C'mon, I was kind of a cutie.

 

We can go ahead and skip those, eh, awkward years between 3 years old and, um...18. Yeah. Let's skip those. 

Early Twenties...needless to say were an exploratory time where I played around with a bunch of different styles and looks. This was also the time in my life where there was a lot of...transition. Graduation from college, engagement, a wedding, a separation. 

This is the stage I refer to as the "planted" stage. It was literally the best of times and the worst of times. It became overwhelming. I felt like I had been shoved into a deep dark and crushing place. I felt like I was being buried alive. 

But I wasn't. Only dead things get buried. I was very much alive. I was being planted.

Me mid twenties, still goofing off. Still silly, still with a sort of immature look. No wonder people couldn't tell how old I was (they still can't, and I use it to my advantage.) but there was still a lot of self searching/ discovery to do. I stayed in very comfortable clothes, because, let's face it, this was the most uncomfortable period of my life. Loosing my home midst separation, then finding a place with a room mate only to be evicted (and it wasn't my fault! Loooooong story) only to have my home reestablished while at the same time loosing my job only to find a much much better one, all while discovering a God whom I had run from for over a decade since He first called me.

I now look at these pics with such amazement. How did this girl endure so much pain and still manage to authentically smile? There is really only one way...and it wasn't any resiliency within me, because I had none then. I was clinging to a Source greater than I. I wouldn't have made it if I hadn't.

This is the seedling stage. I was just a tiny tender green shoot, pushing out of the crushing darkness where I had been planted, stretching towards the sun, and the Light. Growing and soaking in as much affirmation and love and God as I could.

And then suddenly...

Me now. Late 20's. Divorce is final, and I feel the most...liberated I've ever felt. It felt like my whole heart and mind and being was just opening up. 

Burdens being lifted obviously manifest in multiple ways, the major ones being a discovery that I actually am beautiful, and I am worth not being thrown away. With those and many other realizations, I guess I've arrived to the flower blooming stage. And I intend to stay here as long as God allows me, soaking in the sun, dancing in the breeze, and just enjoying being alive.

And I can see it now. My own personal style was really unleashed. Blazers to show strength. Statement necklaces to comment on my continued value of my uniqueness. Jeans dressed up in some sort of way because I don't want to compromise who I ultimately am, a comforting and comfortable soul. 

But it's all me. Bright colors, structured bags, goofy smile and big eyes. 

It has been a very long and taxing journey, but I feel like I'm finally getting there.

There's a lot of self acceptance, and more importantly, self love between the middle collage and the lower one. I think that's the most important part of all of this. Yeah sure, my outfits got so much better, but so did my own view of me. 

I guess I really did grow up after all.