Monday, July 25, 2016
No really does means No (or how not to be a part of Rape Culture)
Hey, dudes. We need to talk. Now, you're obviously the cool, dapper dude that doesn't need to push up on a woman to get her info (or call her a bunch of names if she doesn't). I would appreciate it if you would kindly share this info with those who maybe aren't as cool, connected, or classy as you:
I recently came upon an article Huff Post's Alanna Vagianos on her thoughts on an article that was posted, but has since been removed from the Men's Health website. The original article, written by Men's Fitness writer, Nick Savoy begins with the sentence “You approach her, give her your best opening line, but she wasn’t having it. What now?”
Nick Savoy, who is "is famous for helping men meet and attract high-quality women through targeted self-improvement, flirting skills, and female psychology..." maybe should attempt in giving high quality advice and work on that targeted self improvement instead of passing on advice that could get you as a guy in a world of trouble (or at the very least, make you look really bad).
In the original article, Savoy, instead of leading guys on better things to do other than pressure a woman into accepting your approach, does the exact opposite, Savoy tells readers to, in his own words "plow ahead anyway."
Basically: ignore what she's saying to get what you want anyway.
So, what's the problem with this? Women have all these strange intricacies where some of the things we say usually mean the exact opposite. Because we live in opposite land, where up is down, wrong is right, and no means yes.
Please see the above passage under the definition of sarcasm.
No, bruh. If a woman says no, it means NO. Not try harder. Not try something different. Not be more persistent. It means no.
Cosmo's Prachi Gupta shared my same sentiments (as well as a ton of other women and men that are pissed that utter crap like this would even make it onto a nationally syndicated magazine's site). Gupta says
"That such a garbage article would appear in a mainstream magazine without raising any red flags demonstrates that, clearly, a lot of people don't see such manipulative, predatory behavior as problematic."
Taking Savoy's advice is dangerous, obviously noted by the Men's Fitness team in redacting the piece. Because being pushy and pursuing despite obvious STOP signs to the contrary is the quickest way to run into the ravine of rape culture, where guys take what they want from women despite her consent. This kind of rhetoric assumes that women really don't know what they want and can be convinced into anything a persistent man desires. Yep, sounds rapey to me.
When you are trying to gain the attention of a woman, the last thing you want to give off is the "rapey" vibe. Yet advice like this, which is given out more often than not, gives us women that exact impression and makes you look like a total creep.
Let me help you guys out:
-If you try your best approach and she says no, back off. If she's interested, she will come around. The point is that you've expressed your interest. That is the point of the approach. Now, if she really wants to get to know you, she will come and speak to you.
-If not, then keep it moving. We are all grown enough to be able to have a conversation with a person and tell people how we really feel. And if they don't accepted, we need to be mature enough to accept that and to move on. Period.
See how easy that is. I know you already know this, but for those other folk in your gender who don't, please pass this on.