The Reclaimed Heart: I'll Hold You In Heaven

I know its not the weekend when I would usually share a new Reclaimed Heart piece, however, I felt led to share this particular piece today. Typically, Wednesdays are they days I usually share pieces surrounding inspiring women by stories from women. But recently, I have been taken back to a story that I have not shared in depth here, and that is the story of my miscarriage. 

Miscarriage is a hard enough topic to talk about in general, but I am currently in a season where I am watching families literally spring up around me, and these families are inviting me to share in their joy, and I can finally say, unencumbered by my own sadness, that I can share in their joy, even while I am in my season of waiting for a family.

It still hurts. My heart still aches for children of my own. But that ache doesn't have to be the end of the story. And there is joy beyond loss, peace beyond pain, and hope and healing beyond hurt if you are willing to allow yourself to feel the hurt and commit to the non linear work of healing.

Without getting too far ahead of myself, instead of sharing my experience in the form of a blog post looking back to that time, I decided to share a piece I recently was led back to shortly written after that time. It's raw, it's emotional, and if you aren't ready to hear it, then it is ok to close this post and move on to something else. But, if you are going through or have gone through or know someone who has gone through this loss, my hope that these words will help you heal.

I'll hold you in heaven

I watched as the stick showed 2 lines, and was instantly overjoyed

I’ve wanted you since I’ve been old enough to want you

Picked out your name when you were only a hope

Watched my belly begin to swell

Would wake up at night rubbing my belly

And my appetite disappear for certain food

Grabbed books and sites and did secret research 

Hummed love songs and lullabies only you and I could hear
And even though life was not great, it would be bc you were on your way...

Then, I watched you fade

Watched helpless and alone as you slipped from my shattered body
And could do nothing
I screamed for you, screamed to heaven and hell and all the earth
Begged harder for you than I begged for anything in my life, even my own life
I hated your father for making me lose you, for leaving when I needed him most, 

For what the heartbreak had done to me, fo what it was doing to you, for taking the childhood you should have had

And hated my FATHER for not letting me have you
For letting it all happen and turning His back on me
This must have been how Mary felt
Watching her beloved son die bc of the selfish, the unrepentant, the sinner
And wondering where was God in all of this?

Then you were gone
And there was nothing left to hold on to
Then I did the worst thing
Tried to forget about you
You who kept me alive when without you I would have long been dust
You, the whole reason I was baptized
The reason I recommitted my life to God
And now I must atone

I have forgiven both your father and my FATHER
God is a better parent than I am
And how fortunate that you could just go to Him
I'm sorry I couldn't have met you
Couldn't have seen you grow
Couldn't have even spoken about you until now
Until I was freed from the shame of losing you
I loved you stronger than I loved anyone
Anyone...
And sometimes I wake up still rubbing my belly
And I still hum love songs and lullabies to others' children
I promise that your siblings will have it better
And when i sing to them love songs and lullabies, lean a little from heaven because I will also be singing to you
And when I kiss them, I will also be kissing you
And when I tell them I love them, I am saying it also to you
And when my time here is done, and your siblings commit me to the earth, I am coming for you
My beautiful baby
And we will be together again
And I will hold you in heaven